Tag: dad

blood

jamesLeave a comment

blood is one of those words that has a lot of different meanings- blood is what runs throughout our bodies that helps us breathe, move, and think. It’s also what connects us to family, meaning ‘having the same blood’. our families are often what gives us life, and give us purpose.

i want you to know now and forever, that ‘being blood’ with someone doesn’t mean you have to like them, or know them, or touch them, or see them, or forgive them. you’ll hear things like ‘blood is thicker than water’, which means family is always first. but, there are times where families aren’t good friends, or where families dont get along or dont see one another. it happens.

dont feel afraid or upset about how you feel toward a family member for something they, or you, or you both did. you’re still a person that has rights, and feelings, and are still worth everything. not every relationship whether family or not, is positive and not every relationship is fair. however we do seek forgiveness for any wrongs that we do. we seek to make our errors right. we push ourselves to be the best person we can. we give others our best, and in return we hope we receive their best. we might not always receive the best in others, but we always always always give our best to our people.

the only person able to define what fair, or love, who your people are or family is, is you. family knows no blood, no race, no distance. family is who and what you make it to be.

but i can tell you what family is to me. family is that crushing feeling when the person you love is hurt, or in trouble. family is that feeling when even though nothing happened to you, you feel their pain. you feel their sadness. when your person is happy, you’re flying in the clouds with them. when your person is angry, your face turns red and you stomp your feet with them.

family is caring for your person or your people forever. not because anyone tells you to, or expects you to, but because you want to. like your favorite toys – when you care about them you do things to keep them safe, to keep them clean, to protect them. mom or i might remind you to pick them up or put them away, but ultimately its your choice how well you care for them. its how much they mean to you that matters. as much as anyone will ever tell you to care about something or love something, never forget it’s always your choice to love, and its always your choice what that looks like.

sometimes your people might not give you their best, and that’s ok. we always give our people our best, because sometimes our people might need us a little more. when we need our people, they give us what we need.

family isn’t about blood, or what others have to give you; it’s about always giving your best when your people need you, and your people giving you their best when you need them. if you ever fall short, seek forgiveness and love your people. if your people ever fall short, see them, hear them, and give them your best. make no promises, but always give them your best.

 

hi

jamesLeave a comment

as of today, i’m fairly sure ‘hi’ is your favorite word. your face lights up like no other, and your smile just explodes.

the first time i said ‘hi’ to you was a very late night in September 2018. your mom had been in labor for over a day, likely two days but shes just so strong she didnt realize it quite yet. we were home, getting ready for bed when your mom mentioned that i hadnt gotten my own bag ready for the hospital, and cautioned you were due very shortly and that i should get my bag together. i shoved a few pairs of underwear, pants, and tshirts in a backpack and laid down.

about 30 seconds later, your mom exclaimed that her water had broken. shes always been good at making sure things are in order, this time with perfect precision.

after people were made aware, plans were made, and over 24 hours in waiting, it was time. you were a very strong baby, and refused to come out. all efforts were fruitless, so an emergency caesarean was called for. this is when a baby has to be removed surgically rather than through the birth canal. you’ll learn about this when you’re MUCH older.

i was there when your mom was undergoing surgery to bring you into the world, and she was cold. i held her hands and kissed her forehead to help keep her warm, because the room was so cold. she was so excited to meet you, she was willing to go to any length.

after a few minutes, i watched your moms doctor pull you from your moms belly and loudly yell out the time of your birth. I looked down at your mom, and kissed her cheek, telling her you were here. the nurses cleaned you up, and there you were- all pink, and red, and black haired with those eyes taking in the very bright world around you.

all i could muster was ‘hello, little one.’ and take you into my arms for the first time. i held you to your moms face, so she could see the beautiful little person she worked so hard to make perfect, and she gave you your very first kiss right on your forehead.

i held you for a few minutes, and took one photo. i wanted an eternity with you. i wanted those brand new eyes to see only your mom and i, only our love. but about 100 feet away was a huge portion of your family -grandma, grandpap, great grandma, great grandpa papa, aunt julia, aunt katie, uncle alex, and they were all waiting so excitedly to see you, and meet you.

one day your great grandfather will have to explain to you just how hard he cried when he saw that photo of you for the first time, and the rest of us will tell you just how rare that truly is. and about how much more he cried when he saw you in person, and then when he held you.

you are so loved, little one. every time i say ‘hi’ and see your smile, it reminds me of that late, late night. that night where you heard me say ‘hi’ for the first time, where you met your mom and i for the first time, and brought such love into our lives.

all because i promised her a dachshund

adulthood

jamesLeave a comment

no matter how old, outdated, or mature you might find your mom and I, we love to have fun. we love to laugh, push each others buttons, and try to find the humor in life. as an adult, we have responsibilities to quite a few things- bills, pets, family, and now you. in making sure responsibilities are taken care of we can lose sight of the fun, and I hope you learn to laugh and smile and always remind us that happiness and laughter is why we’re all here.

once we found out when to expect you in late 2018, adulthood really came into focus. it was no longer ‘life as-is’. We had a deadline. We needed to have things together by early to mid september, no excuses. you were holding a one way ticket, and your train wasn’t being delayed for anything. your mom and I had frank discussions about the future- really for the first time since our wedding. after we were married we were living life and seeing where things led, but with really no concrete milestones. just us, franklin, and olive in our townhouse, thinking we might move, maybe not, who knows?

now, we had to know. we had to know if we could buy a house, where we might live, and if we would be stuck in the townhouse we were renting. it wasn’t a terrible place, to be fair. the house was right near your mom’s work, and I could get to my office fairly easily. what wasn’t ideal was mice in the basement and being on top of one another, and neither of those issues would work with a newborn baby.

you might come to know by the time you read these that your dad isn’t one for taking life; your dad doesn’t hunt because he doesn’t really have to. your dad enjoys target shooting and building guns as a hobby, but isn’t into hunting. when it came to the mice and the potential harm bacteria they carry could do to you and your mom while you were developing, there was no choice. it was time to wage war. a few weeks and a lot of traps later, the mice were gone. your dad saw a few get trapped in traps, and had to dispatch one himself because it was sick and actually made its way into the kitchen.

adulthood.

by then we had started talking with grandma and grandpa about house buying, shopping, and lending. we had a bit saved from our wedding, and your dad’s new job allowed him to save a bit for a down payment, so it seemed a good time to start. your mom worked so hard to organize everything- realtor selection, mortgage documents, everything. i did what i could, but without her organization and drive, it couldn’t have been done.

nothing in this world would stop her from bringing you home to the house you would grow up in, and painting a nursery in that home for you. nothing.

i saw in her the same drive and passion she had shown years ago when she helped me get my studies back on track and when she got me in line to graduate from undergrad. the same drive and passion she held me to when i promised her my best everything at our wedding. She wanted the best for you- a home where you would grow and love, and be loved.

the home i promised her, the home i never had and thought I’d never have, with a daughter i never thought i’d be blessed with, and a woman i’ll never deserve. all of it gracing my life

because i promised her a dachshund.

food

jamesLeave a comment

food is something we all need, most of us enjoy, and brings people together. ask anyone in the family for a story about food, and you’ll hear some of the greatest experiences and laughs from each and every one of them.

you’ll hear about the time I made your mom spaghetti in a tea kettle when we were dating.

or when grandpap baked grandma some lasagna in the oven and forgot to take the knife out of the pan and it melted.

or, when aunt julia accidentally gave your mom garlic butter for her pancakes.

or when your uncle alex and i used two pounds of bacon to make grilled cheese.

or, the time olive ate a tray of chicken and waffle skewers that led to us following her around all night on new years eve checking her poo for toothpicks

or, that time i made homemade meatballs.

 

in 2015 or so, around the end of november, your mom and I were laying on the couch and I got an email reminder about a clearance sale at target for 40% off. your mom had been talking about purchasing a stand mixer for a long time so she could bake cookies, cakes, and dog treats. the money was never really in the budget, but after that email i figured it was now or never. I got up and left, arriving to target about an hour before closing and purchased the stand mixer. not being one to wait for christmas, I gave it to your mom right then and told her how much we saved by buying it and unboxed it. a useful appliance for an incredibly creative and caring woman from a man with no ability to bake.

January of 2018 i was using that very mixer. i had a few pounds of ground beef, spices, herbs, garlic, etc in the bowl mixing away to make homemade meatballs for your mom since grandma’s meatballs are the best and she always makes them around christmas time. I had finished mixing and had begun rolling the meat mixture into little balls about an inch and a half across, ready to be thrown in the oven with a half inch of water to cook. i had a few balls left to go, when your mom came around the corner to the kitchen and held a small white pen into my field of vision.

her small hands were always cold, her rings shimmering along her white, smooth skin. Your mom’s nails weren’t always painted or manicured, (she’d rather spend the money on the dogs) but always seemed so delicate to me. in her hand wasn’t a pen, or marker, or tool i’d abandoned somewhere; it was a pregnancy test.

on that test, was an indicator that read PREGNANT.

some people shriek, or jump for joy, or have a panoramic recall of their life flashing before their eyes when they realize they’re going to be a parent. when it registered, and after hugging your mom and telling her how happy i was and how excited i was for us, i got really quiet. I felt the cold of the meatballs as i formed them, the heat from the oven, the icy breeze from the cracked open patio door. the world had gone silent, the yellow paint of the kitchen walls blurred, and my mind traveled.

I saw images of my child- a boy or girl, laughing, dancing, growing, crying, running, falling, talking, learning, and myself; myself as the father i wanted to be, the father I myself would have wanted, the father i needed. not afraid or cautious, but curious is how i’d say i felt. not just who would you be, but who would i be? curious as to how life would change, where we would live, when will we buy a house, have i gotten to a place in my career where we can be comfortable and manage this? all these questions coming and going until i thought again of you- my child. my little boy or girl, in my arms, and just how much love your mom and i had in our hearts to give. how excited i truly felt right then, driving out any doubt or fear, filling my heart with such an uplifting feeling I couldn’t have screamed loud enough.

i wanted to tell everyone, but it was too soon. your mom explained how up to a certain time the risk of losing pregnancies is fairly high, which happens. so, we silently enjoyed our newfound good news alongside our meatballs when aunt julia came over for dinner a few minutes later. it felt like we had stolen cookies form the cookie jar and no one knew but your mom and i. we ate dinner, stealing schoolyard glimpses at one another from across the table, our very own secret.

a secret set in motion years earlier, our futures out of focus but in full view, our future together grown out of commitment to one another and a small brown dog – a relationship transformed again and again

because i promised her a dachshund.

 

 

I promised her a dachshund

jamesLeave a comment

We met in college. We really shouldn’t have ever met, or ever known each other existed; there are so many events, so many steps that fate brought together to form such a large and intricate puzzle I never could have hoped would come together as it has.

your mom is an amazing, beautiful, woman; amazing wife, and beautiful mother. when we were younger, she was a beautiful , kind, intelligent student with a penchant for art and creativity and a yearning to help people with her gifts. when we met, she became one of my best friends immediately. The kind of friend you stay up all night studying with or eating mozzarella sticks with while playing scrabble at Perkins in Erie,Pa until 4am.

also, the kind of friend that when she hits you with her car in a parking lot, you forgive her [almost] immediately.

when the opportunity presented itself for your mom and I to perhaps maybe date, it wasn’t the most romantic or earth-shattering moment. it sort of, happened. we were already so used to one another, so comfortable. it felt like being home.

I wasn’t always the most comfortable with who i was, who i grew up to be, or where I might actually be heading. i never saw past tomorrow or next week, and figured things would ultimately fail. your mom changed that in me. she pushed me as a best friend should, and believed in me. she graduated a year ahead of me and moved to pittsburgh for a job in her field. I visited her almost every weekend when i wasn’t working or studying, and she kept tabs on me the whole time- making sure I was getting things done, making sure I was happy.

we talked about things- life, food, the future. I saw myself in another time, years from then, still with your mom and still happy. We talked about family, we talked about travelling, staying put, about where we’d want to live. we talked about pets. your mom had a perfect dog named Sophie whom you’ll hear about when you’re older. she hated me in the beginning, because she was a great judge of character. sophie’s acceptance of me really coincided with me accepting myself and becoming the man I am today. she saw right through me but was right there when i started being who I wanted to be in life. I’d had a lot of pets-dogs, cats, hamsters. We talked about a cat I had named Jack, who was my keekeemeowmeow [your mom loves making me tell people this]. Jack was an abandoned cat with one eye who’d seen the wrong end of a BB gun as a kitten thanks to some terrible kids. He was the best cat, and a lot of my visits home from college were pretty much to see him. when we talked about pets, your mom and i saw two things- a mini dachshund named Frank and a golden retriever named Karot [carrot]. Just something young kids put together in their heads with bright stars in their eyes, thinking forever is something given. in these conversations, with faith in my heart and hope in my mind, i promised her a dachshund.

I ultimately ended up graduating college solely because of your mom’s hard work. she believed i could do it, and made damn sure i saw it. she then even made me apply for a job in pittsburgh and I actually got it. my first big boy job in a big boy city far from home. well, a whole 3 hours from home. but now, I had no where to live, and a job that started in two weeks. I packed up everything i owned into the back of my ford Explorer and i moved in with your mom for a few months until i had enough money to rent my own apartment. we lived together. a huge step for a relationship maybe two years old. a much more huge step with your grandparents back then. they definitely had their concerns and wanted to make sure your mom wasn’t getting in over her head or moving too fast.

i found a place around august, so we lived together in a cramped one bedroom for around two months total. it was aggravating, it was lovely, it was tough, and it was amazing. Your grandparents and uncle/aunt helped me move into my place in early September. a tiny one bedroom in a nice area on a busy street with little to no insulation and a crazy neighbor downstairs. your mom spent a lot of time there, but we lived about 45 minutes apart so it was tough and lonely at times.

so, when your mom messaged me that she had found this poor little brown puppy on a marketplace site called Craigslist I was [secretly] smitten. She said the family needed to rehome him due to his needs and their own family needs being too much for a puppy. We arranged to meet them locally, and this little brown boy melted me. Your mother reminded me of my promise, and how this little one’s situation was so dire. We discussed it later that night, and that week, and we decided it was a good decision. We arranged to pick him up from the family, and give them $150 for the supplies they were providing and the costs they’d incurred. I went to an ATM in the Waterfront Giant Eagle and withdrew $150, leaving around $20 in my account. because, i promised her a dachshund.

we took him home, his name previously given was Heinz (like the ketchup, a pittsburgh tradition) and immediately was given the name Franklin. We decided his middle name would be Maslow, after a psychologist who developed the Hierarchy of Needs model, which placed emphasis on what we as humans need to survive, live, and thrive. Franklin, as your mom would say, was at the very base of her hierarchy. She needed him. He was three months old, and needed us. He needed potty training, he needed behavioral training. We did the best we could as two broke college graduates, and in the end things turned out well, almost terribly actually.

My apartment was not pet friendly. I knew this. My downstairs neighbor was not a dog person, not a friendly person, and not an employed person. She was home all day and night, and seeing as I worked during the day, Franklin was home alone all day, and cried, yipped, and barked while I was gone. At the end of October, I either needed a new place to live, or needed to find Franklin a new home. Ultimately, my thoughts of rehoming him were met with extreme resistance by your mom. She was NOT going to lose him. She was moving or had moved into a very nice apartment that didnt allow pets either, so we had him stay with your grandma and grandpa for a month while I found a place. Pretty soon, we found a nice apartment I could afford that was only two blocks from your mom’s new apartment in Bloomfield, and they allowed dogs. Franklin had a home. Franklin had a family.

Accepting the responsibility of a puppy into my life felt like a natural thing- id had dogs my whole life and felt comfortable with my own. but the medical care, vet visits, all the grown up stuff, that was your mom. She knew what needed to be done, I took care of the day to day. He lived with me and for a time with Uncle Alex upstairs, but mom was there every day to play with him and help train him. Every free moment she had, because we lived maybe two hundred feet from where mom worked- children’s hospital. she would come visit him every time she could on her lunch break and he loved it.

you’re a few weeks old now, and Franklin is eight years old. I feel like inviting him into my life, and your mom pushing so hard to share her love with him made us a family. Not only did we care for one another and work through things, we now had a life that was completely dependent on us. we owed another life everything he deserved and owed him our honesty, our love, and care. Having him made me a better person, a better boyfriend, and helped me understand what it is to love outside yourself. I feel like that moment defined your mom and me. I feel like it solidified our partnership that we were dedicated to one another, and that it wasn’t about ‘me’ or ‘you’ anymore- it was about ‘us’. the three of us. our family. and ultimately i think led to you.

because i promised her a dachshund.