process

jamesLeave a comment

hello, little ones.

well, eliza youre almost as tall as your mom already so ‘somewhat little ones’.

eliza, youre finishing up your kindergarten expereince and youve excelled in every feasible way. you are so advanced in reading and writing, math, science, music, coding, and everything in between. you are a sponge and youre amazing at everything you put your mind to. theres so much art i can barely squirrel enough of it away to keep without the storage frame i have bursting at the seams.

ben, my beautiful boy. youre coming to the end of your second pre-k year and your language skills are growing so fast. you love to joke and laugh, and have debates with your sister. you love to ask for pokemon cards and then lose them almost immediately. you love the ninja turtles, transformers, pokemon, dinosaurs, and french fries.

its been a good year in our new house. ive got the kitchen renovation almost done, the playroom renovations been completed, i can almost fit cars in the garage, and you have an awesome treehouse in the back yard. we have a huge cedar planter full of tomatoes, lettuce, corn, strawberries, peppers, watermelon, cucmbers, bok choy, and onions. we planted all of them together and we’ve been watching them grow through the spring and youve already had a few salads thanks to your fast growing lettuce. youre so proud, both of you. you guys love being plant parents and even have your own color coded 3D printed shovels to help.

explaining the steps to grow plants and care for them then cultivate them properly has been a mind blowing experience for you guys in some ways, and total boredom in others. i love it, even though i really dont care for gardening. you guys have pulled me out of my shell with it and keep me on my toes ready to learn how to manage such a huge garden. this year has had a lot of ups and a few downs, but weve all learned a lot and grown in the process.

the word process means “a series of actions or steps taken in order to achieve a particular end”. actions we undertake not for the right now but for a delayed satisfaction or goal that we can later enjoy but for now we must work for. it took you guys a little bit of time to understand how the plants would takea lot of time to grow before we could enjoy them and that we cant rush it.

sometimes, a process involves seeing something right there and knowing you could grab it or change it or control it- and choosing not to. choosing to let the process play out and have things happen as theyre supposed to or need to rather than force it or control it. when we see you guys doing things you shouldnt, sometimes lessons are learned in the process via skinned knees, or dropped ice cream, or popped balloons. watching the process of you guys grow and learn so many things all at once is amazing. ive had to pull back my urges to step in all the time and protect / prevent and allow some things to be risked pr experienced so i dont hold you back out of my own fear.

your friends from down the street ride around in a little gang on their scooters and here, you guys didnt have the kind of scooters they had and missed out so we bought them and got helmets. i catch myself being so adamant about being slow, or not going down hills or the neighbors steep driveway but then slow myself down, remind you of dangers and watch you experience childhood.

i hate to see you guys get hurt, but in your growth as kids there will be skinned knees and bumped foreheads that teach lessons mama and i could never. i remember my own bumps and scrapes and how much they sucked, yet how much fun i had in between them. i never want to be the reason you cant grow or dont have absolute access to everything you need to do so.

ill never be hands off- ill be at arms length ready to catch you, carry you, bandage you, hold you, console you, cry with you, laugh with you, and take those sore first steps back toward your bike with you. in this life you will have falls, you will have setbacks. you will have awesome successes and abject failures. those highs and lows arent everything- its the in between that really counts. how we celebrate the wins and and seek shelter from the losses with those we love is what defines our lives. who was there when you needed them, where you were when they needed you and how quickly you came to their aid or to their side to celebrate.

we build our future with those we love not for ourselves but for all of our people one day, one step, one hug, one loving word, one kind gesture, or one hand held out to help you up at a time.

because life isnt a win or lose, black or white experience- its a process.

ben- youve been asking for weeks now and ive resisted your request.

but because youve asked so nicely and seriously and longingly-

yesterday, i inquired about a dog.

i havent responded to their messages back but im working on it. im trying to be ready.

its a process.

distance

jamesLeave a comment

hello, little ones.

this has been a busy month. so many goings on and events and celebrations. eliza and ben, youve both returned to school – eliza youre a kindergartner and ben youre on year two of pre-k.

eliza, youre over the moon to be in school and to have an amazing teacher and be taught so many awesome things. ben, i had to drag you out of the car and carry you across the lot to your teachers, so theres that. were working on it.

the two of you arent in the same class or even the same school anymore, and that distance has proven a little hard for you at times while also being amazing. your personalities are so distinct and beautiful together, and when youre each running solo they really shine with curiosity, wonder, and creativity.

that distance can be hard, yet necessary for growth and opportunities to fully make themselves known.

distance allows room for growth, it doesnt provide or create it. what we do with the distance is what matters. time heals nothing.

if you ever find yourself at a distance- meaning anywhere but where you want to be, ask yourself what you can do in the in-between to get there. wishing we were there doesnt work, nor does giving up because were not there or thinking it looks too far.

taking the opportunities we have to take the steps we can is what matters. its not a race, its a journey. the end result doesnt matter if we dont learn and understand how it is we got there. as hard as it can be to take it slow, navigating the processes of life is essential to moving forward, overcoming, and healing.

i was reminded of this today in the hardware store. i was picking out some spray primer for a 40K 3D printing project im working on when in my periphery a bit of movement on the ground caught my attention. i turned my head and saw a little dog- a jack russel mix id imagine, quietly and purposefully moving alongside its owner.

it made no sound, and listened intently as its owners spoke. the little one looked up at them with complete attention, twirling slightly as though it was trying to get the best angle to watch from. the owners wrapped up their discussion, grabbed the paint they found, picked the dog up in their arms, and walked around the corner. when i lost sight of them, i realized i was kind of sad to not see them/him/her and recognized that i had been smiling the entire time i had eyes on that little pup.

for the first time in six months, i saw a dog- a happy dog, a happy dog with happy owners, and smiled. for the first time since losing franklin i felt positivity and maybe even joy in the idea of having a pet, if not my own then joy for those people sharing their lives with their little jack russel. i know ill never truly heal from losing him, because he truly was intertwined within my soul. this experience though has given me faith that i can empathize and find joy in others’ relationships with their animals where before i felt only shame, envy, and pain.

thank you, little ones. thank you for helping me close the distance between loss and love and see the journey ahead as a series of small steps and successes rather than one impossible task.

for better or worse, every day you remind me to keep my eyes open and pay attention to the small things.

…especially abandoned sharpie marker caps.

detours

jamesLeave a comment

hello, little ones.

for four years i’ve dealt with a bit of pain in my shoulder that was made worse when i had a fall while holding you, eliza. franklin wrapped his leash around my ankles while i had you in my arm and when we landed it tore a few things but my fear of surgery kept me from getting it repaired.

well, that changed recently.

i started to not be able to sleep because of the pain and i haven’t been able to use my right arm for much of anything without some really piercing pain. i used to lift over 300 pounds with my arms, down to where even 100 pounds is too much and my arm collapses with me being in pain for a few days. its been really hard to pick you guys up and play with you, and its been tough.

so i decided to get it fixed.

it was an abstract idea until you guys left our house yesterday to spend a few days with your grandparents to give mama and i a chance to get the house ready and get some deep cleaning done. i’ve admittedly had some serious anxiety around the surgery thats been helped by spending time with you guys and mama and even while im working, seeing you guys have fun on hikes, having adventures, and laughing.

in all honesty ive been incredibly anxious throughout the last few weeks and as much as i try to keep it under wraps i know its breached the surface at times.

i know its ridiculous to think so negatively. i know its false and illogical. i know its a far cry from reality. despite all this, im extremely scared that i wont come home to you. not for fear of a simple procedure, just that in general ive really worked to not bring myself to any unnecessary risk that could leave me without you or you without me.

with my early life, i was not afraid to die, i felt like my life had no meaning so there would be no legacy lost. finding mama, and now having the two of you has given me the best purpose in life and the most beautiful life i could ever imagine losing and missing out on. the idea of having a day go by without seeing the two of you and your mama is extremely painful and the worst thing i could imagine.

tonight ill be thinking of you, thinking of mama, and maybe i’ll sleep. if that fear does come true, just know i love you more than life itself. im not perfect, i have my flaws, and fears. most importantly, i know i have you.

eliza, i watched you graduate from pre-K to start your journey into kindergarten and makes me feel so excited to witness and support you through every transition and milestone you encounter. ben, youre following her in short time next year and seeing our beautiful strong little baby boy thriving and soaking up so much of life with your sister is just pure love.

i want to be there for every moment, and be the best me i can be.

i love you.

endure

jamesLeave a comment

hello, little ones.

this week has been one of, if not the hardest week of my life. in an awful turn of events we had to say goodbye to both of our dogs. franklin our mini dachshund was incontinent, highly anxious, and had a heart condition that would begin to spiral very quickly and olive our golden doodle had such significant rapid cognitive decline and canine dementia she growled at you two whenever she saw you instead of being her happy loving self. your mama and i sat for a long while and talked about what we needed to do, with neither of us wanting to admit it yet we had to. we couldnt ignore olives behavior and risk you getting bitten or hurt, and we couldnt ignore franklins health in the hopes of a miracle.

the human mind is a unique structure that, in times of stress will visualize the worst thing that can happen and then show it to you repeatedly in an effort to keep you aware and present, yet inadvertently make that worst case scenario seem more real than it ever actually was. it can take us to the worst of the worst mountaintops of chaos, and to the most beautiful and prismatic imagery imaginable yet never successfully seems able to on demand when you most need it.

i’ve never been to the very top of that mountain until this week, and i wouldnt wish these feelings on my worst enemies if i had them. the emotions we’ve talked about with anger, sadness, joy, etc fail to even contemplate the gargantuan black hole of emptiness and hollow existence this has brought forward in me. at times i didnt think i could survive- other times its possible i didnt quite want to, in being totally honest. i didnt think i could endure this pain, this loss. until i did.

franklin came into my life like i told you before, in 2010 when i had no idea what it was to be an adult, or to be independent. in his fourteen years on this planet he taught me a lot, and was there for everything i encountered. when i worked with the homeless, i had a workplace incident where i was stabbed with a dirty needle of unknown origin in a crackhouse while helping someone move their belongings. i immediately was evaluated and began HIV exposure protocols, put on heavy (to me) drugs i ended up being sensitive to, and undergoing blood draws often. that first night though, when the reality hit me and i was alone my mind went to one of those mountaintops of chaos. the idea of being infected over something so stupid made me so angry, a future carrying such a detrimental diagnosis made me feel helpless, and never being able to touch or kiss your mama without fear of infecting her made me hopeless. franklin was there. i held him so tight, and he nuzzled me while i cried and licked away my tears. he wiggled like he always did and made it impossible for me to stay in one place so i would take him out to potty and for a walk. he kept me moving, he kept me thinking and breathing when it was just me, alone. he helped me endure.

mama has been my everything every time ive ever needed her, and franklin filled in any gap there might have been in between. as much as he depended on me i depended on him. and its this bond that made losing him hurt so deeply. this bond was also what made me want to selfishly keep him and hold onto him despite his quality of life degrading and steadily getting worse with his medical issues.

this has made me feel like i can never have a pet again, that loving an animal is a liability or a risk. but i have to work through this in case you two want to have a pet of your own or love a pet as a family. pain and loss are the contract we sign to love someone or something outside of ourselves. as you two grow you will undoubtedly experience some form of loss, or pain and will need guidance and support to navigate these intense emotions and thoughts just like i have. by communicating and trusting our people we lean on those around us who have also felt and thought this way and can be patient with us as we make our way through them too. to avoid love for fear of pain is a hollow life, and it takes these feelings and emotions to show ourselves its possible to lose and to love- that its possible and worthwhile to endure.

progress

jamesLeave a comment

hello, little ones.

i cant believe its been almost a year since i’ve written to you. what a year its been, too.

ben, you’ve gotten your second set of stitches due to running full force into a car door and literally splitting your ear.

eliza, you’ve taken your reading skills to amazing new heights and are impressing all of us constantly.

this year, we’ve seen a lot of progress, actually – societally, globally, personally, all kinds. most of it good and exciting progress, some of it not so much. globally, meh. a lot of negative headlines about war – ukraine, gaza, just seems to never end. closer to home though, we’ve had a lot of exciting progress.

your mama and i decided we would seek out a larger home for us, seeing as we’ve maxed out our current homes potential to accommodate us and have outgrown our little three bedroom oasis. its been an exciting, frustrating, and anxious process for sure- yet here we are two weeks from the lovely family buying our home taking ownership of it and us taking ownership of a home over twice the size of our current one in an amazing neighborhood. in our family’s typical overcomplicated fashion we’re buying a new house right in the middle of leaving town for our first international trip and cruise as a family and then our return to disney world for yet another trip to see the christmas parade that sparked so much hope in some of the bleakest times in our lives.

its scary, honestly. in many ways both good and bad- its a horrible time to buy a house. our mortgage rate is going from 2.1% to 6.5% and thats actually an amazing loan rate right now. our mortgage is more than doubling and me being the cheapskate, i find myself panicking at times. then, i think back and see your faces as you chose your new bedrooms among the several choices available to you instead of just whats there like where we live now.

im damned proud to be your dad. moments like that give me some hope that im even somewhat living up to being the father you deserve. its not about money – its about opportunity. opportunity for progress and growth. our current home is fine. weve remodeled and improved and customized so much to bring it into the modern era but it doesnt provide much room for progress. our new home does. ill have an office inside the house and comfortable instead of building one where i could find space. you guys will have a dedicated playroom where you can stretch out, run, and enjoy everything you have instead of being on top of one another or squished into the living room.

theres some uncertainty for sure. uncertainty doesnt feel the greatest at times, but nothing worth doing is ever fully safe. progress means stepping out into the unknown for the potential reward of positive growth and reward. ill always be there to support you in your endeavors, because the two of you have been here for me and showed nothing but faith in your mama and i through all of this. thank you. i hope my best is enough.

stability

jamesLeave a comment

hello, little ones.

it has been an incredibly tumultuous, difficult, amazing, stressful, and beautiful month.

the end of november, we were in a car accident. all four of us were in the car, none of us was hurt. your moms fairly new car was a total loss due to the extensive damage.

i was driving.

there are so many shoulds and wishes i made in the minutes and hours after the accident. fears of hurting the three of you, putting you in danger in the first place, and knowing it could have been avoided somehow. i did that to you. and i had a lot of trouble handling it. i never want you to hurt. i never want you to be afraid. i never want to be the cause of your pain in any form. and here i was, delivering it personally.

your mama is an absolute master of protecting you and ensuring you two are kept in your own special bubbles against the world. once i got elizas door open and then pulled ben from his car seat she ushered you two away to a calm, quiet place and gave you comfort, kindness, love, and stability in a very unstable situation. while i dealt with all the people and phone calls that come with this unfortunate issue, mama was painting a world of color and laughter with you despite her own shock and soreness. the place the three of you went was the front porch of a house not too far away, and the owners were home. they offered every comfort, begged mama to let you guys come in and relax but she wanted to keep you two safe, even in those moments.

your uncle alex, aunt katie, and aunt julia were all there within half an hour, ready to help. they helped us get you two into your uncles truck and got us home while mama and your aunts took an uber home together. in an absolutely unstable time your aunts, uncle, and mama all showed just how strong this family is and made sure we found stability immediately.

this happened exactly one week before we boarded a plane to Disney World.

its hard to imagine in the moments after the crash even thinking about vacation. panic sets in, and immediate concerns take front seat and vacation becomes extraneous. your mom would have none of it. hell or high water we had already paid 100% of the trip, booked airfare months prior, and had built everyone up for your first trip to see The Mouse.

mama took me aside that night, my face in her hands, and demanded i acknowledge everyone was ok, she was not angry with me, and that i didnt deserve what i was putting myself through. we deserved to keep our plans, to see the bright days ahead, and enjoy what we’ve worked so hard to make happen. we needed stability.

so, we did.

we spent one of the most exhausting and incredibly fulfilling weeks walking double digit miles around Disney World finding every last princess your little heart could name, Eliza. you met so many wonderful people in and out of costume, learned to ride a bus, held cinderellas glass slipper, and so so much more. and your mama and i got to fulfill a promise we made to ourselves almost two years ago.

when covid lockdowns began, mama was in the hospital to give birth to a premature ben. grandma and grandpap came down to be with you for the two weeks mama needed to be there, and once ben was able to come home we joined you. the next several months into the next year were fraught with worries, danger, loss, and limited access to everything. one day while browsing youtube, a video of Mickey’s Very Merry Christmas Party flashed on the television and you asked for it to play. at this point you didnt really know who Mickey Mouse was – you were still in the throes of CoCoMelon and Disney princesses. when i say you were hooked from that moment, i mean you were hooked.

you watched that christmas parade from so many viewpoints so many times and never got enough. your mama and i agreed that the first chance we got, you were going to be there. you were going to see that parade, you were going to be in the moment, not watching someone else’s. so, in february 2022 mama and i felt the time was right, and we booked the trip specifically during Disney’s christmas celebration. you were going to be there, hell or high water. we owed it to you after the last almost three years you endured so graciously. you deserved it. with how special this trip was to us, we invited your grandma and grandpap to join us in that magic, to see your faces the moment you met your heroes during your favorite time of the year – Christmas.

this trip allowed us to give you a sense of normalcy you were far too young to appreciate or remember pre-covid. your brother had never seen that type of normalcy; covid protocol is all he’s ever known. the two of you were finally able to explore, learn new things, see people’s faces, be outside in a beautiful place, and do things every child deserves. we were able to provide not just the veil of normalcy, but true normalcy, true stability in your roles as kids.

when the week ended, we boarded our plane home, and returned home in the rental car insurance covered so we could get around.

eliza, your first words walking to our front door were,

” oh…we’re back..”

and were accompanied by a sigh and defeated tone that conveyed the utmost disappointment. in that moment, we understood just how magical that week was for you. that week was your highlight, your memories, your wish fulfilled. not the week before. not the three years prior. the environment your mama, your family provide even in the worst of times kept you and your brother in such a state of stable happiness and love. nothing got in the way of you experiencing, appreciating, and internalizing every musical note, colorful light bulb, every ride with grandma and grandpap, and the bubbles from your bubble wand toys.

because thats what families do – they quiet the seas, put out the flame, and shield you from the wind. when life happens and we feel like we’re falling all alone, they’re there. your family can be counted on no matter what because at some moment we all will need to receive that which we all so strongly seek to provide and maintain for one another: stability.

school

jamesLeave a comment

hello, little ones.

eliza, we’ve gotten word that you’ll be starting preschool this fall. this news is as joyous as it is heartbreaking- we’re so excited for this opportunity for you to grow and learn and experience new things and crestfallen that you’ve grown so much and learned so much already that you’re ready to expand beyond the walls of home.

growth never comes from the avoidance of opportunity – we have to seek out that which we want and face the possibility of success and failure. you will do both in your life just like everyone else, and that journey starts here. your autonomy and independence show through every day, eliza. you are your own girl, and will eventually be your own woman, your own professional, your own everything.

i just always wished you’d stay little forever, i guess. i love the person you’re becoming and absolutely am excited for who you develop into; this must be what parents always meant by ‘time flies by’. we’ve gotten to hoard your every laugh, giggle, and exploratory discovery until now. in following my own guidance to you, growth never happens with the avoidance of opportunity and i have to be ok with sharing you with the world.

the world will never deserve you or your brother but you deserve the world and everything beautiful it has to offer.

learning is the single most amazing and essential means to experience the world and expand who you are to come closer to who you want to be. school is the conduit by which we achieve who we want to be – be it college, trade school, apprenticeships, or otherwise. learn all you can, dont limit yourself to anything. we will support you in everything you do that enriches you, your life, and your dreams. i may not always agree on your direction or priorities- i will always respect them.

i was raised in a retroactive ‘i told you so’ sort of way that only guided once the damage had been done. when you come to a crossroads, a crevasse, or roadblock it will be my honor to walk you through, teach you how to manage, or carry you over it. should i do anything to ever damage that please hold me accountable and hold me to my promises.

all i will ever want is the best of everything for you and your brother – the best of who you are forged by the best opportunities provided by our best efforts to raise and guide you. i’ll never pretend to know i know better than you or negate your needs. i very much look forward to valuing your journey, your learning, and your hearts while earning the right to guide you with my actions and words.

we cannot teach or lead without listening; we cannot learn or listen without using our voice and teaching those around us what we need.

love.

freedom

jamesLeave a comment

hello, little ones

we’ve been having so much fun going on your first family vacation now that your dad’s been able to take time off instead of mama going it alone. we went to the beach – eliza you were a little mermaid just motoring around in the waves like the big girl you’ve always wanted to be. ben – you kicked and splashed like the little shark you are.

the highlights were very much the smiles you brought to your grandparents faces when ben, you spiked the snacks you didnt want into the sand before accepting the ones you did want, and eliza your love of digging pools in the sand and collecting mermaid treasure shells.

we saw a pirate dinner theater show that the two of you loved and proudly represented your being members of the crimson crew with flags and yelling your little hearts out with cannon fire and swords.

we got ice cream late one night and you guys ate it like it was the first time ever, delighting everyone around you. every moment the two of you got to experience something was the best moment of my life.

since we’ve come back, lots of things have changed. laws have been changed that will sadly impact you, eliza a lot more than your brother. women’s health is still such an abstract concept and for the first time in a hundred years females have less rights than their mothers. ben, though this change doesn’t impact you as a male directly, it’s our hope that you always see beyond your own needs to represent, respect, and fight to keep and expand the rights of those around you and the women in your life. we hope to live our lives to enrich and respect the lives, needs, and dreams of those around us especially those who might not have as ready access as you or me.

we’ve also had changes in access to vaccinations for covid-19, and actually today we’re taking both of you to get your first round of them after three years of fear. we’ve all contracted covid and gone through it once already, and the vaccine will help make sure any potential exposures might be limited in its impact into the future.

anything we do to protect ourselves we need to also do for those around us as soon as possible, in all things. never forget whether or not it impacts you directly we are all equal and deserve the same freedoms regardless. fight for those who have less or face losing equality and equity and trust those around you will also in kind. you two are peas in a pod and deserve all the best always.

neither of you deserve any less rights or opportunity than the other and will always complement the best parts of one another. respect everyone who respects you, and never stop fighting for the rights of all those around you. a society is only as good as it treats the least of its members just like we as people are only as good as we treat those around us without debit, demand, or expected repayment. we aren’t free until we are all free.

love.

office

jamesLeave a comment

hello, little ones.

im writing this to you from my office in the basement, which coincidentally has been my residence the last few days. unfortunately our luck ran out and myself, your uncle alex, and grandpap tested positive for covid this week. so far we’re all ok and the vaccines we’ve received have done their job to keep us safe from extreme symptoms. its impossibly hard to see you on video calls and have you literally eight feet away from me upstairs. mommy, grandma, your aunts, and yourselves are thankfully all still safe from the virus.

likely we contracted it at a family function or hockey game from whatever source, coming together to celebrate your grandpaps birthday. its unfortunate but a risk worth taking given all of our precautions and need for connection and celebration with family.

i spend a lot of time in here working, and love to leave when the day is over and come upstairs to you, your brother, and mama to have dinner and spend time playing before bed every night. its only been a few days but each and every moment im kept away from you hits with ferocity. in short time I’ll be able to rejoin you and truly explore your valentines bouquet brother and I got you, and smell mama’s peonies she got for valentines day. i want you to know what to expect from any man in your life when it comes to thoughtfulness and kindness, and just how much you deserve. being your dad has made me such a better person , always reminding me to be an example of the man (or woman) I hope to see you share your life with someday.

i feel slightly stupid having contracted the virus, but the knowledge I hadn’t infected you, brother, or mama gives me some comfort. seeing you still happy and healthy brings my heart so much joy, and i’d gladly go through this every day to keep you guys safe. not that i’d want to, but I also wouldn’t hesitate.

i love you.

zoo

jamesLeave a comment

hello, little ones.

eliza, you turned three this week. three years of being your father, your dad, and you my lovely, strong, hurricane-force daughter with the golden giggles and angelic voice. we celebrated in fine style for days on end, starting with your favorite foods to your favorite things, and your favorite people.

these days you’re really into dinosaurs and sharks. not just baby shark, but sharks. and i couldnt be more smitten. your love of science, biology, nature, and the world around you in general is so refreshing and intriguing. youre so curious and daring in many ways, and such a shy little girl in others.

for the first time in your life, we went to the zoo. with the ongoing pandemic it’s been far too risky but we wagered it wouldnt be too crowded and given your love of animals large and small, it was worth the risk. you got the opportunity to meet some of your all time favorite animals – elephants, giraffes, rhinos, lions, tigers (zebra cats?), gorillas, monkeys, fish, sharks, and butterflies.

watching you experience so many new things in one day gave me such a breath of fresh air in an otherwise stale world of monotony; the routines weve fallen into, the precautions we’ve become accustomed to observing, all to keep you safe; but inadvertently keeps you secluded. seeing you be a kid and openly do what you wanted with a little direction and caution reminded me of exactly what parenthood and childhood were meant to be – exploration and experience.

your eyes glowed when we saw the first elephant, your words coming out like fireworks primed and wishing for their chance to fly. the lions and their resemblance to Simba left you awestruck with excitement, but the sharks- those evolutionary killing machines that elicit fear from all who encounter them, you absolutely adored. at times quietly singing Baby Shark to yourself, others reciting lines from the Little Mermaid, you soaked it all in and watched it cut through the water above you. your amazement at being so close to this creature was immediately apparent, with just a hint of daring; daring the creature to come after you the same way it came after Flounder and Ariel.

after, you and your brother took a well earned nap before the next stage of celebrations – cake and pizza from the pizza oven outside. the cake, adorned with fondant stars and a large crescent moon hit its mark dead on, bringing forth a chorus of your favorite song ‘ twinkle twinkle little star’ and wild amazement at the edible art being presented to you. I never could imagine so much love and excitement being contained within one little body, but eliza you truly redefined expectations.

right along side you every step of the way was the robin to your batman, the thunder to your lightning, the buzz to your woody, Ben. every moment of these days was reflected in his eyes and every sentiment shared and reiterated. the love you two share in pretty much everything is inspiring. every moment we celebrate you, eliza, ben is right there celebrating with you and wanting ever more to see you happy.

we’ve loved celebrating your special day, eliza, and having the opportunity to give you some reprieve from all these restrictions even as short as it might have been. this next year has so much promise and so many changes on the horizon for you – with my entire heart hoping and wishing you never lose that same wonderment for exploration and curiosity for the world around you. i hope and wish you never feel the weight of this world, any danger around you, and always always always show no fear in the presence of sharks.