Tag: building

hello, little ones.

this has been a busy month. so many goings on and events and celebrations. eliza and ben, youve both returned to school – eliza youre a kindergartner and ben youre on year two of pre-k.

eliza, youre over the moon to be in school and to have an amazing teacher and be taught so many awesome things. ben, i had to drag you out of the car and carry you across the lot to your teachers, so theres that. were working on it.

the two of you arent in the same class or even the same school anymore, and that distance has proven a little hard for you at times while also being amazing. your personalities are so distinct and beautiful together, and when youre each running solo they really shine with curiosity, wonder, and creativity.

that distance can be hard, yet necessary for growth and opportunities to fully make themselves known.

distance allows room for growth, it doesnt provide or create it. what we do with the distance is what matters. time heals nothing.

if you ever find yourself at a distance- meaning anywhere but where you want to be, ask yourself what you can do in the in-between to get there. wishing we were there doesnt work, nor does giving up because were not there or thinking it looks too far.

taking the opportunities we have to take the steps we can is what matters. its not a race, its a journey. the end result doesnt matter if we dont learn and understand how it is we got there. as hard as it can be to take it slow, navigating the processes of life is essential to moving forward, overcoming, and healing.

i was reminded of this today in the hardware store. i was picking out some spray primer for a 40K 3D printing project im working on when in my periphery a bit of movement on the ground caught my attention. i turned my head and saw a little dog- a jack russel mix id imagine, quietly and purposefully moving alongside its owner.

it made no sound, and listened intently as its owners spoke. the little one looked up at them with complete attention, twirling slightly as though it was trying to get the best angle to watch from. the owners wrapped up their discussion, grabbed the paint they found, picked the dog up in their arms, and walked around the corner. when i lost sight of them, i realized i was kind of sad to not see them/him/her and recognized that i had been smiling the entire time i had eyes on that little pup.

for the first time in six months, i saw a dog- a happy dog, a happy dog with happy owners, and smiled. for the first time since losing franklin i felt positivity and maybe even joy in the idea of having a pet, if not my own then joy for those people sharing their lives with their little jack russel. i know ill never truly heal from losing him, because he truly was intertwined within my soul. this experience though has given me faith that i can empathize and find joy in others’ relationships with their animals where before i felt only shame, envy, and pain.

thank you, little ones. thank you for helping me close the distance between loss and love and see the journey ahead as a series of small steps and successes rather than one impossible task.

for better or worse, every day you remind me to keep my eyes open and pay attention to the small things.

…especially abandoned sharpie marker caps.

hello, little ones.

it has been an incredibly tumultuous, difficult, amazing, stressful, and beautiful month.

the end of november, we were in a car accident. all four of us were in the car, none of us was hurt. your moms fairly new car was a total loss due to the extensive damage.

i was driving.

there are so many shoulds and wishes i made in the minutes and hours after the accident. fears of hurting the three of you, putting you in danger in the first place, and knowing it could have been avoided somehow. i did that to you. and i had a lot of trouble handling it. i never want you to hurt. i never want you to be afraid. i never want to be the cause of your pain in any form. and here i was, delivering it personally.

your mama is an absolute master of protecting you and ensuring you two are kept in your own special bubbles against the world. once i got elizas door open and then pulled ben from his car seat she ushered you two away to a calm, quiet place and gave you comfort, kindness, love, and stability in a very unstable situation. while i dealt with all the people and phone calls that come with this unfortunate issue, mama was painting a world of color and laughter with you despite her own shock and soreness. the place the three of you went was the front porch of a house not too far away, and the owners were home. they offered every comfort, begged mama to let you guys come in and relax but she wanted to keep you two safe, even in those moments.

your uncle alex, aunt katie, and aunt julia were all there within half an hour, ready to help. they helped us get you two into your uncles truck and got us home while mama and your aunts took an uber home together. in an absolutely unstable time your aunts, uncle, and mama all showed just how strong this family is and made sure we found stability immediately.

this happened exactly one week before we boarded a plane to Disney World.

its hard to imagine in the moments after the crash even thinking about vacation. panic sets in, and immediate concerns take front seat and vacation becomes extraneous. your mom would have none of it. hell or high water we had already paid 100% of the trip, booked airfare months prior, and had built everyone up for your first trip to see The Mouse.

mama took me aside that night, my face in her hands, and demanded i acknowledge everyone was ok, she was not angry with me, and that i didnt deserve what i was putting myself through. we deserved to keep our plans, to see the bright days ahead, and enjoy what we’ve worked so hard to make happen. we needed stability.

so, we did.

we spent one of the most exhausting and incredibly fulfilling weeks walking double digit miles around Disney World finding every last princess your little heart could name, Eliza. you met so many wonderful people in and out of costume, learned to ride a bus, held cinderellas glass slipper, and so so much more. and your mama and i got to fulfill a promise we made to ourselves almost two years ago.

when covid lockdowns began, mama was in the hospital to give birth to a premature ben. grandma and grandpap came down to be with you for the two weeks mama needed to be there, and once ben was able to come home we joined you. the next several months into the next year were fraught with worries, danger, loss, and limited access to everything. one day while browsing youtube, a video of Mickey’s Very Merry Christmas Party flashed on the television and you asked for it to play. at this point you didnt really know who Mickey Mouse was – you were still in the throes of CoCoMelon and Disney princesses. when i say you were hooked from that moment, i mean you were hooked.

you watched that christmas parade from so many viewpoints so many times and never got enough. your mama and i agreed that the first chance we got, you were going to be there. you were going to see that parade, you were going to be in the moment, not watching someone else’s. so, in february 2022 mama and i felt the time was right, and we booked the trip specifically during Disney’s christmas celebration. you were going to be there, hell or high water. we owed it to you after the last almost three years you endured so graciously. you deserved it. with how special this trip was to us, we invited your grandma and grandpap to join us in that magic, to see your faces the moment you met your heroes during your favorite time of the year – Christmas.

this trip allowed us to give you a sense of normalcy you were far too young to appreciate or remember pre-covid. your brother had never seen that type of normalcy; covid protocol is all he’s ever known. the two of you were finally able to explore, learn new things, see people’s faces, be outside in a beautiful place, and do things every child deserves. we were able to provide not just the veil of normalcy, but true normalcy, true stability in your roles as kids.

when the week ended, we boarded our plane home, and returned home in the rental car insurance covered so we could get around.

eliza, your first words walking to our front door were,

” oh…we’re back..”

and were accompanied by a sigh and defeated tone that conveyed the utmost disappointment. in that moment, we understood just how magical that week was for you. that week was your highlight, your memories, your wish fulfilled. not the week before. not the three years prior. the environment your mama, your family provide even in the worst of times kept you and your brother in such a state of stable happiness and love. nothing got in the way of you experiencing, appreciating, and internalizing every musical note, colorful light bulb, every ride with grandma and grandpap, and the bubbles from your bubble wand toys.

because thats what families do – they quiet the seas, put out the flame, and shield you from the wind. when life happens and we feel like we’re falling all alone, they’re there. your family can be counted on no matter what because at some moment we all will need to receive that which we all so strongly seek to provide and maintain for one another: stability.

hello, little ones.

one day youll read about this past month and the coming months and see a few words over and over again; infection, virus, and socialization are a few of the most common.

we talked a bit about infection, and viruses a bit before but we havent talked about socialization itself too much. Socialization is when we connect with others and share words, space, and ideas. currently were being asked to limit our socialization and stay away from one another as much as we can to keep the virus from spreading to people that can avoid it. its recommended we stay six feet (thats one whole daddy length) away from one another. of course you dont know that right now,so no one can blame you for wanting to cuddle in tight and give all the best kisses.

ben, you havent met your great grandparents, or aunts and uncles yet because of this, and eliza you havent hugged much of your family in a while but were getting along well. no one is sick, and were all working to keep it that way. grandma and grandpap are home due to schools being closed down to keep kids safe, gigi and papa are staying at home to keep themselves safe, and your uncle and aunts are doing their part to keep themselves safe and not get us sick by accident.

you dont understand any of this right now, and you dont need to. you have so many people that love you so much and do their best to keep you safe. mama is working to keep your house safe, and spending time with you guys so you dont miss out on anything. im working from home and doing some things at the crisis center a few nights a week, and grandma and pappap are working from our house too. no matter how difficult or scary things can seem youre never alone. not only do you have us, but you now have each other.

since the day you met ben, youve loved him so much, eliza. youve taken every chance to kiss, hug, touch, and ‘aww’ at him. you look at him with such adoration and unfettered love. he is so little, so helpless, and defenseless and you approach him with such tender care. weve now seen your first hug, your first kisses, and your first time saying hello to your little brother, and him learning you, your face, and your voice.

ive seen the first, now i cant wait for the next 9,999.